Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect.The wisest know nothing.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


every time i think i'm doing okay, in an instant i crack. i've been playing the avoidance game these past few weeks thinking everything was fine. figured if i kept myself busy and tried to go back to life's everyday tasks...that it was a way to show that i can move on. i can miss dad and things will be okay. if i keep telling myself that he's in a better place and i know he'll be watching over me, that things will be okay. but what i really want is for him to come back. i want to hear his voice, instead i keep replaying the last voice mail i have of him on my phone. i want to hear his laugh, so i keep replaying all the videos i can find of him on my computer. i want to see his face, so i made a collage and a video montage that i look at and watch all the time.  i want to remember his scent, so i've been putting off washing one of his favorite shirts that i kept for myself. it just sits there in the corner bc i'm too scared to touch it, too scared that if i wash it..it'll erase a memory of dad.  i keep listening to his favorite songs so that i can remember all the times he'd make me play it in the car for him and hear him singing to it. it's like i've become obsessed with doing anything i can to salvage any memory, any thought of dad. 


and it's fucking not enough.  i wish i can just wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare.