Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
-Michael Pritchard

wow two blogs in one post!..that's a first for me..hahah it's cuz i forgot to write this earlier and i wanted to blog it..so on my thoughts of hawaii..i want to take surfing lessons and go cliff diving at waimea beach..i've been boarding at the beach to practice my paddling..uhhh to a so-so effort..and i've been swimming at the gym/rec center to strengthen my swimming skills..i never had formal swimming lessons..when i was 6 or something..my older sister and my cousins all enrolled to have swimming lessons at carson park. well..when we were all getting ready..the elder siblings (my sister and 2 cousins) freaked me out by pointing to the diving boards saying that we have to jump off of it on our first day and there's pirranhas (sp) in the pool...something cruel to that extent..and the big baby i was, chickened out of swimming lessons..only to watch from behind the fence w/ my ninang at how much fun the lessons looked..so yah..i basically had my lessons from what they taught me and from my cousin who was on swim team...i never really had a problem w/ my swimming ability until the 6th grade..

yes yes..i was in the girlscouts..we had the annual camping on the beach at carpinteria..me & my friends used to always go boogie boarding..yah i know..it's BODY boarding! but hey..that's what we called it back then..so when we were at the carpinteria beach..i had no fears to go in the water w/ my friend's leash-less board..i never had a problem at the beach before..yah..just my luck..i had to be the only one not catching a wave..only to be brought out farther and farther by a riptide..and stupid me..wanted to see just how deep i was thinking maybe i could swim or walk back...i let go of the board..for less than a second..only to realize that i could no longer touch the ground anymore..of course the board gets swept to shore..and i'm stuck trying to tread water for the life of me..mind you..i never really learned how to tread water..i guess i was doing more of a doggie paddle?..all i can remember was all the water i kept swallowing..i kept bobbing up and down in the water..i was screaming to my friends to help me..but they were laughing it off..thinking that i was just messing around..what was probably only seconds of swallowing nasty salt water and treading seemed like a lifetime to me..i think it's so true how people say that your life flashes before your eyes when you think you may die..i dunno why..but pictures from my childhood would pop in my mind..in those few seconds i saw flashes of my life..

finally my dork friends decided to paddle out to help me..they still thought i was playing around..i remember my one friend becky was saying "it's rescue 911, we're here to help you"..i totally wanted to scream..but glad at the fact that they probably did save my life..i have no idea if they actually took what happened seriously..but when i was dropped off at home..and my mom asked how the trip was..my friend megan blurted out.."chris almost drowned"..since that time up until my junior year in college..i refused to go in the water..i'd walk in it..but i would never go on a board or jump the waves..i was freaking traumatized..somehow after me & lou got together..i slowly started to get over my fear of the beach..and i'd go boarding..even now i'm paranoid that i'm out too far..i'd prefer to stay in areas where i can touch the ground..but then..how can i catch the good waves?..so yah.. the point of this long story.

last night i had this dream that i was in hawaii..and i don't know how i got in the water..my fear of being pulled in the water kept getting to me..but i ended up testing my swimming capability and swam all the way to shore..good sign right?..then my dream switches over to the cliff diving..i'm about to jump in..when all of the sudden i slip..grab on to something and watch as 2 objects fall into the water..so i freak out and don't jump..all of the sudden i'm at the base of the cliff..i'm by the rocks and i'm swimming, but i feel like i'm being pulled into the water..i struggle..and i finally am able to swim back to the rocks..so i woke up this morning wondering why i dreamt that..yes i still have my fear of being brought out too far from the water..i still have a fear of being caught underwater..and i still have a fear that my swimming won't be good enough..do i still want to try doing these things in hawaii..heck yah...it's just..will fear get the better of me..the reason i didn't jump off of the cliff at waimea in '02 was cuz i was scared that after i jumped in the ocean..the curren might drag me under and i wouldn't be able to swim to shore..that's still a fear of mine.. i just need to get over it..ehhh..sorry, long post..it is time to overcome!!..please watch over me!=)