-quoted from The Wonder Years
so..i've been away for awhile. not bc i didn't want to blog, it's just every time i'd try to write this new post i couldn't. why not post about other things? i don't know. just felt like if i can finally get my thoughts together on this post, i can slowly move on. long post on it's way...
people have asked us if we planned on getting pregnant, or was this an accident, why wait so long? you know..all the questions married couples begin to hear if they didn't have a honeymoon baby from the start. well...to be quite honest, the thoughts of getting pregnant weren't really serious until after dad passed away. on every wedding anniversary/birthday/celebration we'd constantly hear about how we should start a family now, we're getting old, your parents want grandkids, don't be selfish. in our minds we wanted to experience life and see the world. we didn't want to be that couple that regretted having children too early or weren't mature enough to take care of a family. it would make me sad if i had kids and in the back of my mind had bitter thoughts of "i wish i did that, too bad we couldn't do this...yadda yadda." so, that was our choice. and i'm certainly happy with it. we've got so much to share with our new bundle of joy on the way and we're so excited to be parents. it is such a life changer!
you could say the final nudge to finally have kids was my dad. in an odd sense, his passing really hit me with this subject. hubby and i were unfortunately away on vacation while my dad passed and while gone we were already thinking about squeezing 1 more trip before babies. yeah, i think we had said that since 2010. but with dad's sudden passing, it's like a light bulb just clicked in my head. life is so short, and anything unexpected could happen. so, over the summer husby and i talked and we both felt we were 100% ready to have kids. and well...there you go...i got pregnant and we're expecting our first child this summer=).
of course i was wary when we started to talk about seriously having kids. i was still grieving for my dad, but starting a family was a choice that i was firm about. i would read articles online on how to cope with grieving and losing a loved one and was surprised how a few had said not to make any life changing decisions. i got scared...i mean, we wanted to have kids now. so what does this mean? throughout this pregnancy i think i can understand now why those articles mentioned it. while pregnant you get a surge of emotions. i was already crying at random moments before i got pregnant...and well you can only imagine how magnified it got with these pregnancy hormones. i'd start talking to baby about grandy (what my dad liked to be called=P) or i'd just have a random thought about dad..and i would just burst into tears. i would just get sad bc dad wouldn't be here to see our first child and teach her silly jokes and dances. so i keep telling myself that i need to always always be sure to tell baby girl about her grandy so that we can always keep dad's memory alive.
i know this may sound silly....but after this pregnancy my sisters and i are planning on getting little tattoos. we were supposed to do it earlier, but with me being pregnant...getting a tattoo was a no-no. they will all be matching tattoos and must have a ladybug in them. why a ladybug? at dad's funeral, 2 ladybugs flew into my lap. our families can get pretty superstitious..so they said it was dad & my uncle (dad's younger brother who had passed a way a few months earlier) visiting us. they wouldn't fly away, just crawling along my skirt. of course me being the scaredy cat, i didn't know what to do so when i stood up they fell. i put them in one of the white roses after bc i didn't want them to get stepped on. afterwards i looked up the meaning of ladybugs and they symbolize protection and much more:
This tiny little beetle brings with it a powerful message. Because the life cycle of the adult ladybug is short it teaches us how to release worries and enjoy our lives to the fullest. When it appears in our life it is telling us to "let go and let God."
Seen often as a messenger of promise, the ladybug reconnects us with the joy of living. Fear and joy can not co-exist. We need to release our fears and return to love - this is one of the messages that the ladybug brings to us.
Ladybug teaches us how to restore our trust and faith in the great spirit. When the ladybug appears, it is telling us to get out of our own way and allow the great spirit to enter into our lives.
you could say that i was a little surprised and skeptical. but all throughout my leave at home (homehome) i'd have random ladybug occurrences - not just seeing the bugs physically...but also tv shows/cartoons featuring the bugs, seriously? and it was just happening to me. so my sisters would tell me it's dad telling me it's okay that i wasn't there when he passed. to not hold on to that fact and blaming myself for going away. why am i sharing this? well i've noticed these little bugs a few more times since then and it's always reassuring to me that things will be just fine. when my sisters took me maternity clothes shopping we saw one. now mind you, this is INSIDE the store too!! i had just opened the door to show them a dress they picked for me and a ladybug flew towards me and landed near my feet. they joked and said it was dad wanting to shop with us too. the funny thing is that it just crawled around near me and when i was shutting the door to go change i said "dad, you pervert i'm gonna change go away!" and whatdoyaknow...the ladybug turned around and crawled the other way out of the dressing room. ha, so weird! and just this past weekend when i took my nephews out for a swim, a lady bug landed right next to me and one of my godson's. crazy. i know it may be insignificant and downright silly to some, but it gets me (us) by. these little things, help me to know that my dad will always be there for us.
and so, with this pregnancy...i'm slowly realizing that. although dad won't be there physically to hold our baby (and future kiddos)...i know that he will constantly be watching over us. and yes, i know i keep saying it...i guess it's like a silent mantra. but it seriously helps me to know that. and these ladybug sightings just seem to be happen at all the right times.
so yeah...i am now about 26 weeks pregnant and going with the flow. yes the emotions are still there, but i've learned to try to turn them into positive thoughts and not try to get sad. i know dad is uber happy for us. i know he was/is happy with all the decisions we made leading up to this point. i wonder if our baby will get some of my dad's silly traits..hahah i can only imagine=). here's to the next chapter of our lives..it's gonna be a crazy one!
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