Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
-Michael Pritchard

wow two blogs in one post!..that's a first for me..hahah it's cuz i forgot to write this earlier and i wanted to blog it..so on my thoughts of hawaii..i want to take surfing lessons and go cliff diving at waimea beach..i've been boarding at the beach to practice my paddling..uhhh to a so-so effort..and i've been swimming at the gym/rec center to strengthen my swimming skills..i never had formal swimming lessons..when i was 6 or something..my older sister and my cousins all enrolled to have swimming lessons at carson park. well..when we were all getting ready..the elder siblings (my sister and 2 cousins) freaked me out by pointing to the diving boards saying that we have to jump off of it on our first day and there's pirranhas (sp) in the pool...something cruel to that extent..and the big baby i was, chickened out of swimming lessons..only to watch from behind the fence w/ my ninang at how much fun the lessons looked..so yah..i basically had my lessons from what they taught me and from my cousin who was on swim team...i never really had a problem w/ my swimming ability until the 6th grade..

yes yes..i was in the girlscouts..we had the annual camping on the beach at carpinteria..me & my friends used to always go boogie boarding..yah i know..it's BODY boarding! but hey..that's what we called it back then..so when we were at the carpinteria beach..i had no fears to go in the water w/ my friend's leash-less board..i never had a problem at the beach before..yah..just my luck..i had to be the only one not catching a wave..only to be brought out farther and farther by a riptide..and stupid me..wanted to see just how deep i was thinking maybe i could swim or walk back...i let go of the board..for less than a second..only to realize that i could no longer touch the ground anymore..of course the board gets swept to shore..and i'm stuck trying to tread water for the life of me..mind you..i never really learned how to tread water..i guess i was doing more of a doggie paddle?..all i can remember was all the water i kept swallowing..i kept bobbing up and down in the water..i was screaming to my friends to help me..but they were laughing it off..thinking that i was just messing around..what was probably only seconds of swallowing nasty salt water and treading seemed like a lifetime to me..i think it's so true how people say that your life flashes before your eyes when you think you may die..i dunno why..but pictures from my childhood would pop in my mind..in those few seconds i saw flashes of my life..

finally my dork friends decided to paddle out to help me..they still thought i was playing around..i remember my one friend becky was saying "it's rescue 911, we're here to help you"..i totally wanted to scream..but glad at the fact that they probably did save my life..i have no idea if they actually took what happened seriously..but when i was dropped off at home..and my mom asked how the trip was..my friend megan blurted out.."chris almost drowned"..since that time up until my junior year in college..i refused to go in the water..i'd walk in it..but i would never go on a board or jump the waves..i was freaking traumatized..somehow after me & lou got together..i slowly started to get over my fear of the beach..and i'd go boarding..even now i'm paranoid that i'm out too far..i'd prefer to stay in areas where i can touch the ground..but then..how can i catch the good waves?..so yah.. the point of this long story.

last night i had this dream that i was in hawaii..and i don't know how i got in the water..my fear of being pulled in the water kept getting to me..but i ended up testing my swimming capability and swam all the way to shore..good sign right?..then my dream switches over to the cliff diving..i'm about to jump in..when all of the sudden i slip..grab on to something and watch as 2 objects fall into the water..so i freak out and don't jump..all of the sudden i'm at the base of the cliff..i'm by the rocks and i'm swimming, but i feel like i'm being pulled into the water..i struggle..and i finally am able to swim back to the rocks..so i woke up this morning wondering why i dreamt that..yes i still have my fear of being brought out too far from the water..i still have a fear of being caught underwater..and i still have a fear that my swimming won't be good enough..do i still want to try doing these things in hawaii..heck yah...it's just..will fear get the better of me..the reason i didn't jump off of the cliff at waimea in '02 was cuz i was scared that after i jumped in the ocean..the curren might drag me under and i wouldn't be able to swim to shore..that's still a fear of mine.. i just need to get over it..ehhh..sorry, long post..it is time to overcome!!..please watch over me!=)

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.
-Orison Swett Marden

5 more days til hawaii!!!wooooooooohooooooooo...dude i can't wait..i swear my work mode has already turned into vacation..haha..sooo embarassed about the stupid mistakes i made at work yesterday..i think i must've been daydreaming about the stuff we're gonna do in hawaii..thanx to cecile & anna's things to do in hawaii list..hehe we stole your atv'ing plans and hopefully we get to grub at giovanni's shrimp truck..those pictures made me drool..hahah..and if me & kel get enough cahones..heheh we'll try to cliff dive at waimea beach..ahhhhh..i'm so excited yo!..there's so much to do and so little time there..but at least it's a vacation..i've been needing a rest...again..ha!

so my parents & little sister leave for hawaii tomorrow..luckies! they're gonna island hop to kona first then meet us in oahu when we get there..did i say how excited i am..hahah..okay i'll stop=)

today during lunch my boss asked us what we'd like to accomplish in the next 5 years..hehe i said to travel the world..so i think i've decided..i'd like to go travel to someplace every year..w/in the 50 states doesn't count..cuz i know i want to go to chicago/new york next year..and florida in the upcoming years..but that's probably going to be a weekend holiday thing..and besides, going to my cousin's wedding in p.i. next christmas..that leaves my summer 2005 & the following years open..so i've been trying to decide the places i wanna go each year..first stop would have to be europe..probably a contiki tour or backpacking..i wanna see england, france & italy the most..and hopefully be able to squeeze some more countries in if it's part of the tour..second year is a tie between japan & australia/new zealand?..i really wanted to go to japan this year..but with my cousin's wedding next christmas..it'll be really hard to afford it yet alone plan it..third year is a debate between spain/portugal & south america..i really want to see the rainforests in south america...those are my top choices for now..there are so many other places i'd like to go too..but this is what i've been thinking about for a while now..

i know it sounds really optimistic that i want to go to all these places..seeing as how much it's going to cost and how long i can actually stay at each place depending on my vacation time..but i figure..might as well keep telling myself that I WILL go to these places, so that it will actually happen..self motivation eh?..haha..so yah..that's the plan man..and i better start saving..uhhh yah..seeing as how i want to own property in a few years too..hahaha...it'd be so much easier if i just won the lotto..then i could travel all i want..quit work..go to culinary school and just be a chef..heheh..and whoever else wants to do this too..it's on me..haha=P

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.
-Paul Pearshall

so there's been a lot of stuff going on lately that i'm totally just looking forward to this weekend to relax..not that i want to turn my back on anything..it's just that i don't think my mental state can take anymore right now..for some reason, on tuesday night my mom was talking to me about some family stuff..and seriously..for the first time i realized how much she has to go through just to keep the family going..i know it sounds bad..but i've always just seen my mom as my mom..she does her mom thing..and things work out..ignorant view, maybe..but that's how i saw it..i mean..i have the typical or maybe more dramatic relationship w/ my mom..i can't really talk to her about personal issues..cuz she totally misunderstands everything..i mean i've tried to open up..and i know she really wants me & my sisters to do that..so when i do..she doesn't understand what i mean..so i tend to keep things with my mom on a more platonic level..sounds bad..but that's what i have to do so that she won't worry about me..so it's weird yet nice when she's able to vent out to me..

so i guess i've always been in the blind about the health issues with my dad and my aunt..and on tuesday when my mom was talking to me about it..it was just a lot to take in..and to see how strong she has to stay for the two of them..i can't explain the feeling i got..but it opened my eyes to how much she does for everyone..i mean yah, i've had my complaints about her..she knows it..we've had our arguments about it and stuff..and afterwards we get over it..but for some reason, if i hear someone else talk badly about/to my mom, blood or not, that's crossing the line..hypocritical of me to say that..but it's hard to hear someone not respecting your own parents..it sucks to have to go through it..so before i get all angry and turn all crazy on everyone..i'd rather just use this weekend to calm my nerves.

so anyways..after hearing the rave reviews from cecile, jevon & joe about garden state..me & lou decided to watch it over the weekend..i liiiiiiiiiked it a lot..natalie portman is a trip..the whole story and they're view of it..all just fit perfectly..good movie..good recommendation..i hope they keep making more flicks like that..hehe but for some reason, zach braff reminded me of a mix between jack tripper & jerry seinfeld!=P..

oooh so i developed my first role of film from my dad's old school manual canon camera..i think as soon as i can fit it in, i'd like to take a photography class..in addition to taking cooking classes=)..i looked into the culinary arts school in pasadena..they freaking offer weekend classes! that'd be soooo perfect..except for the fact that tuition is a grip and i don't know if i can take adding any more debt to the loans i already have..bummer...soooo since i'm in two lottery pools at work..that doubles my chances for this saturday..c'mon lotto..lemme retire early=)

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

in light of recent revelations...that can only make the heart stronger..i've realized i have so much growing to do..i'm so jaded on relationship issues sometimes that i just don't get why things go the way they do..not that things are necesarily bad..i just get confused sometimes..and i don't know how to handle situations that throw me off guard..but i'm learning..i'm learning that there's so much more in life that i want to accomplish...there's so many things i look forward to doing..there's things that i need to learn to get over and things that i need to realize and accept...and in saying all this..i'm really glad and lucky to have such a patient and understanding boyfriend who is able to handle the obstacles i make him go through just so that i can find myself...hehe so to you my boogalou..

(although the chica's crazy..she does have some good words to share)

"Blessed" by ms. christina

When I think how life used to be;
Always walking in the shadows.
Then I look at what you've given me;
I feel like dancing on my tip-toes.

I must say that everyday I wake
And realize you're by my side;
I know I'm truly...

Blessed for everything you've given me;
Blessed for all the tenderness you show;
Do my best with every breath that's in me;
Blessed to make sure you never go.

There are times that I test your faith,
'til you think you might surrender.
Baby I'm, I'm not ashamed to say,
that my hopes will grow in splendor
You walked by in the nick of time
looking like an answered prayer
You know I'm truly...

Blessed for everything you've given me;
Blessed for all the tenderness you show;
Do my best with every breath that's in me;
Blessed to make sure you never go.

Blessed with love and understanding;
Blessed when I hear you call my name;
Do my best with faith that's never-ending;
Blessed to make sure you feel the same.

Deep inside you fill me with your tender touch...
Blessed for everything you've given me;
Blessed for all the tenderness you show;
Do my best with every breath that's in me;
Blessed to make sure you never go.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
-Mahatma Gandhi

woohoo..only 3 more weeks til hawaii..yeeha..i sooooooooo need a vacation..and i think my progress in work is already in vacation mode..things just seem like they're moving at a snail's pace..but i slowly keep going..hehe in anticipation of laying out and taking in the hawaiian sun..*sigh*..

anyways..got to watch harold and kumar..hehe funny movie..like one of the feel good movies that you're glad you were able to watch in the theaters...umm finally got a new phone..woohoo..hehe may be a bit too advanced for me...but that's what boyfriend's there for..hahah..to help my uneducated life about cell phones and update me on the cool new techy gadget we bought on friday..also got to hit up newport and yay i caught me a niiiice wave..although at the time i kinda freaked out cuz i thought the wave was gonna swallow me up then toss me around a few..but nah..i was able to ride it out all the way to shore..phew..hehe..nonetheless..good times..even though i'm getting darker and darker every weekend..haha..then yesterday went bridesmaids dress shopping with my sister...ehhh i'm scared to be maid of honor..i have no idea what to say in my speech=(..hmm..still got about 6 months to figure out what to say...then we all pigged out at claimjumper..mmm..me and lou shared the ore cart..dammmmmnnn good..ribs and ribs and more ribs..yum!...geez..but that doesn't help in my quest for a super flat tummy before hawaii...ah well..it was still good..

oh funny story before i forget...so i had lunch w/ lou last week at quizno's..maybe i was just really pms'ing..but oh well=P..okay while we're in line:

lou: what do you want to drink?
me: awww well if i didn't forget my bottle of water i would drink that..so i dunno..

..okay 5 minutes later after we get our food..i'm getting pepperoncini's and lou's getting the drinks.

lou: do you want ice in your drink?
me: no (thinking he's getting me lemonade or iced tea since he's right in front of the machine)

we sit down..i put the straw in..heheh now beware..the pms biatch slowly comes out=P

me: so what drink did you get me?
lou: water
me: huh? i didn't see any bottle water there..wait..you got me tap water? the water they offer in the soda area?
lou: yah i asked what you wanted to drink and you said water.
me: no! i said if i had my bottle of water i would drink that..i didn't say i wanted to drink tap water! why would i pay $$ to drink tap water that i could have gotten for free? that's the only reason i got the meal, so i could have a drink..not tap water!

hahah..umm yah..and then the meanie in me came out and i had to cool down for a while..but c'mon..tap water?...hahaha..fine i'll stop boyfriend=P

okay the end=)

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
 
ahhh..so it's freaking hump day..finally..i'm sooooooooooo waiting for the weekend..well yah but no...after a fun-filled camping weekend (thanx boyfriend!!)...i ended up getting sick=(..and since i played hooky one time for not being sick, i felt bad calling in sick this monday..even though i really wanted to!..ehhh karma on me i guess...so yah...i've been sick since monday..and i'm hoping i'll be better by the weekend..except instead of resting some more on the weekend..we're heading up north for a debut..ehhhh my body's probably gonna be in shock from how busy july's been..at least i have monday off..so hopefully i can catch up w/ some relaxation then..boo..but then i have a dentist appointment that day..soooooooo not looking forward to it..i hope he finds no cavities=P..hehe i haven't had as much chocolate as usual..mmmm chocolate...

anyways..i wonder if i'm going throught my quarter life crisis bit..i mean..i know i'm not 25 yet..ha..just 4 months shy of it..ahhhh!..but still..i had quite an insightful talk with jenn-tot this past weekend..and it help shed some light on a lot of concerns i've been having..i'm hoping things all work out how they should..i guess i just hear some things and it gets me all paranoid and makes me think more than i should about those issues..i guess it's all about go with the flow right?..i shouldn't worry about things that are just fine..okay we'll just see how it goes..

so with camping done..and hawaii peeking through just around the corner..what other fun adventures can we go on now?..hehe for sure camping again..maybe after the heat subdues..but i've been really curious about going white water rafting!...that'd be coooooooool!! any takers?? hehe...

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
 
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
 
-Hoobastank "The Reason"
 
awww i really like that song..it's very calming..and it reminds me sometimes of the things i take for granted and things that i am truly greatful for..sooo..in saying that..i'd like to say Happy 3-Year Anniversary louie boy=)!!..well it was on sunday, the 18th,..but i didn't have internet access so my post is a bit late..but yah..here's my speech...hehe...it's been a crazy yet wonderful 3 years and i'm so happy to spend it with such a loving kookoo patient boyfriend who always seems to put up with my weirdness and my meanness..who knows why=P! okay no corniness anymore..but yah..love you=)...more fun to come..muahahhahah..
 
but yah, to celebrate our cool 3 years together, we went up to the central coast at pismo beach..it was soooo pretty there..and then we went kayaking in morro bay....the whole weekend was awesome..i totally recommend going kayaking up there..it's just so peaceful..and the views are pretty..waking up to the ocean at your window..what more could you ask for?..not to mention that we pigged out at the cracked crab..kinda like crab pot where you order a bunch of seafood and they pour it out on your table...and it's all hands and crabshells and potatoes and corns..and all that good stuff..mmmm..yummy...so yah...fun-filled adventurous weekend..and there'll be more to come=)...
 
for now, it's time to concentrate on camping this weekend..woohoo i'm excited..i wanna go fishing!!..and hopefully if we can rent jet ski's...do that also at the lake..that'd be cool..so after the cool kayaking experience..me and lou wanna get kayaks..heheh and i know we will someday..we're dorks like that..